Bernadette Benda

You know what today is (or, tomorrow).

All Hallows Eve. Pumpkins, candles, candy, costumes, and NANOWRIMO (shhhh).

Here I will lead you in a step by step process of how to properly scare a writer. (WARNING: I cannot promise you how your writer will respond. They may scream and run away to Greenland, blast themselves to Bermuda, open up the Bifrost, or call Smaug up to steal all your gold).

Step 1

You will have to wake up early. Even those early bird writers (me) are bleary eyed in the morning and will be more susceptible to jumpiness.

Step 2

Remove ALL caffeine from the premises. You will have to be thorough about this, as they may have coffee stored in the backs of cupboards and down in the basement or in the cellar or in tunnels stuffed with gold. And with the tea drinkers you have to be especially careful, as they might have tea bags stored away in purses and backpacks.

Step 3

Remove laptop from desk. This will set your writer into a panic as they frantically search the house without caffeine, which means they probably won’t see it for a while, even if you put it in an obvious spot.

Step 4

Remove earbuds from the vicinity. After they find their laptop and trudge begrudgingly to their desk without caffeine, they’ll surely need their earbuds. Without them they’ll feel like they’ll never get awake or focused.

Step 5, the final step

As they sink down in utter despair and exhaustion, they’ll look over and notice that their bookshelves are in COMPLETE disarray. Whether they were ordered alphabetically, by color, by author, or genre, your writer will have labored to put them together.

At this point your writer will fling themselves on the floor and call up the police or the Avengers.

Please run and hide.

HAPPY ALL HALLOWS EVE!!!

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Photo by Blaz Photo on Unsplash