Bernadette Benda

So you’ve decided that you want to be a writer. The career path of a wizened old hermit surrounded with stacks of paper and empty coffee mugs is the one for you.

All you must do now, is sign on the dotted line.

Oh wait!

You haven’t read the terms and conditions? Here, you’d better read them. After all, not everything is sunshine and daisies. 

Condition 1:

If you sign off, you are now liable for over-consumption of caffeine. You may choose your poison, either coffee or tea.

Condition 2:

You must hand over your wallet and buy ALL the journals and notebooks. (You may or may not actually use them.)

Condition 3:

This is a 24/7 job. Inspiration may strike at any moment, and you must be prepared.

Being asleep does not count as an excuse. Wake up and right it down, in the dark if you have to, with a pen that may or may not be working.

*examines archaic scribbles in the morning*

Condition 4:

Whether it’s a friend or random stranger in an elevator, at some point you will have to tell them what you’re writing. You have a few options:

1: Recite a prepared speech
2: Mumble and bumble and call your MC “the guy who the story is about.” (*guilty*)
3: RUN FOR THE NEAREST EXIT AND DON’T LOOK BACK.

Condition 5:

You will have to actually write.

Contrary to popular belief, a novel won’t write itself. Inspiration is not your greatest ally. Most of the time you will have to do without inspiration and telepathic computers.

(Wait…there are telepathic computers??)

Condition 6:

As a writer, you will no doubt begin some other hobbies, such as: drinking coffee, staring into space, reading, and map drawing (depending on your genre).

Condition 7:

You will haunt baby name sites long before your peers even think of going on one. You also may develop weird phobias about names that no one will understand.

(Such as “N” is evil and don’t name a girl ending in “a”)

Condition 8:

You’re gonna be weird. But it’s gonna be great.

Now, you may sign. GO!!!

Peace out,

Bernadette